Fear Factor

Hopefully you are much more mature than me, and you are just reading this post to be able to nod in disapproval that this has never happened to you. If that describes you, then please comment in the chat with tips on how to avoid this trap. For the rest of you reading, I am writing this just to affirm that you are not alone in your chess journey struggles.

My ratings on this site oscillate between slightly above and below average. Sometimes, every now and then, I might achieve that 60+ percentile, and it paralyzes my progress for a few weeks. I seem to have these bursts of energy when I can really study and focus, and my chess game improves. I set a goal, reach it, and feel quite accomplished, but then... THEN I am afraid of losing the stats I worked so hard to achieve. Recently, I worked towards making 1600+ in Rapid and Classical and 1400+ in Blitz. It took me about a month to reach these goals, and now I don't want to play any of these time controls for now. I am trying to be content with just playing correspondence chess for a few days. Ridiculous? Well, I certainly think so. It bothers me enough that I thought it worth writing a whole blog post about it. ;-)

Who cares about ratings? Apparently, I do. I did not think I cared so much until I actually reached a number that I am somewhat proud of achieving. It doesn't really matter the number. The point is that I set a goal, worked hard, and achieved it. Now that I have made some gains, I feel stressed about playing a rated game right now. If I win, well, that would help create a buffer of rating points so I could feel more free to play without dropping below my targeted rating, but if I lose, I feel pressure to regain the lost points. The FEAR of losing points definitely interferes with how well I play, creating a cycle of losses I would like to avoid. Of course, I understand that if I can earn a certain rating once, I can certainly earn it again. Losing rating points SHOULD not stop me from playing. But currently, it does.

The chess world is set up on rating points to determine who is better than who. Higher-rated players often make fun of lower-rated players. Low-rated players desperately want to earn a higher rating to avoid some of the snarky remarks sometimes rudely dispensed at beginners. Blessing or curse, I have a VERY good memory, and unfortunately, I remember every painful comment strong chess players have ever made about my game play or my rating. Somehow, I felt that if I could earn a high enough rating, I might earn some respect in the chess world. The more I pay attention to the chess forums and listen to over-the-board clubs, the more I have learned that this is not true. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but unless you are a grandmaster, there will usually be someone stronger in chess than you are, AND, sadly, there is usually a "chess bully" who gets his thrill from putting others down.

So how do I cope? Currently, I am writing this post for myself. I'm trying to "coach myself" into following what I KNOW to be true. If you are not planning to make a career out of chess and travel the world playing tournaments, ratings do not matter. I keep trying to tell myself this. The numbers next to my name reflect that I have made some progress, but they should not impact my learning. It is okay to make mistakes, to experiment, and to learn new things. This is the only way to grow. When learning a new technique, strategy, or opening, my rating WILL suffer while I learn, and THAT'S okay! At the end of the day, no one cares about my rating more than I do. I need to enjoy the process.

There! I think I finally talked myself into jumping back in and playing some more games. If you can relate to this post, please let me know in the comments. How do you cope with the "ratings trap"?

Enjoy your games!
Cheers!